CHENEY WARNS THAT TERRORIST SNACK ATTACK MAY BE IMMINENT
Former Vice President Emphasizes Need for Securing American Stockpiles of Tortilla Chips; Salsa
In one of his first interviews after the end of his tenure as second-in-command, former Vice President Dick Cheney has warned that a terrorist snack attack upon American convenience stores is likely to occur within the next year, unless the new administration takes action.
“We are in a time of transition; we are weak and exposed as a nation,” Cheney said from his office in Northern Virginia, “we’re mired in a recession and political tumult, and its as prime a time as ever for Al Qaeda to swoop in and devour thousands of American pastries. No doughnut, Danish, or even bagel is safe from their plots.” Cheney, who has been highly critical of how the transition has been handled, pointed first to the new administration as the source of vulnerability.
“The [Obama] administration doesn’t seem to understand the importance of securing our culinary resources,” Cheney remarked while munching on a bag of Cheetos™, “Our nation’s priorities should be protecting our (mmph) potato chips, defending our Doritos™, and fighting for our Fudgesicles™, and we should put these priorities before all else.”
Cheney’s critics have often decried his staunchly pro-sugar stance as “Outrageous” and “imbecilic”, citing the former VP’s declared, “willingness to do whatever it takes to whomever it takes in order to find those [explitive] Fruity Pebbles™” (Alluding to the 2006 disappearance of more than nine thousand boxes of Post Cereal). Nevertheless, Cheney stands steadfast by his positions, saying, “If we let the evil-doers of the world get to our federal candy stash, it’s all over. This transcends all individual matters.”
One of the more surprising moments of the one and a half hour interview came when Cheney openly criticized friend and former President George W. Bush for his refusal to pardon close personal friend and advisor Scooter “Trix” Libby, and for his failure to implement enough safeguards upon the federal Twinkie reserves. “I still today feel as though we could have done more to protect our Twinkies,” Cheney lamented, “it keeps me up at night.”
All in all, Cheney feels as though the Bush Administration was largely successful in its efforts to defend America’s hallowed snacking habits. “We set the stage for generations to come,” Cheney solemnly said, “but we must remain vigilant in our efforts against Al Qaeda, or we will one day live in an America filled with empty stomachs, and even emptier hearts.”
When reached for comment, Former President Bush smiled and nodded in agreement.
